That was an unusual quiet day in terms of workload.

I was on night duty with 'my' staff busy in their respective duties. I had a rather unwritten agreement with the hospital management to provide me with my chosen set of nurses, ward boys and other paramedics during my night duties to minimize patient complaints. It is always better to work with the sub-ordinates who are aligned in a favourable wavelength that matches your expectations and temperament. Then lots of orders and instructions get carried out without even uttering a word.

Somewhere around the midnight, a heard a faint rap on the door and got up to open the door of my retiring room. It was unusual of me to get into the retiring room such early but probably I had a hectic day before the night duty.

"yeah.what happened Suman, is everything alright?". It was Suman on the door-my favorite staff nurse.

"Ma'am please come to Room no 15"

"Why?...anything serious?".I enquired as I turned to put my white apron on.

"No.nothing serious as such ...but please come and see for yourself."

As I took the lift, I tried to reminisce the face of the pt of room no 15, his treatment orders vital signs and the condition when I had last seen him roughly an hour before. Mr Uppal, the occupant of Room No 15, was suffering with end stage renal disease (Kidney failure) and needed regular dialysis. He was a wealthy person who always opted for the most expensive room of our hospital and always settled the hospital bill without any fuss. These kind of patients are considered 'pampered baby' of the management are often prove to be headache for the junior staff for their unending tantrums. But Mr Uppal was poles apart from this category with his 'win-all' attitude and friendly mannerisms.

No serious deterioration I must have expected for the night for him or otherwise I would have put him on 'alert list' in my mind before retiring. "Then what happened?", I muttered to no one in particular as the door of the lift opened and I loped towards Room No 15 expecting something bizarre.

Mr Uppal was surrounded with three men and they were all busy discussing something serious with their fingers pointing on numerous colorful glossy sheets of papers sprawled all over the white bed sheet. Mr Uppal was visibly upset over something.

"Oh.Dr Namrata.sorry.sorry..none of their fault actually", he tried to defend the persons around him. "Mera dil nahin lag raha tha..their is lots of workload and pending things to do which these able persons can't do without me at office." But I was drifting elsewhere, my attention focused on the glossy sheets.

"These are greeting cards in their inception form". Mr uppal could sense that I am not interested in his condition. "As you know I own a greeting card company. New Year, Rose day and Valentines Day is not far away and this is a kind of harvesting season for us. These are the designs which I have to approve as per demand of the market. After my initial selection of designs, it goes to the copy writer to put appropriate words/ captions or verses whatever you can say. Then the calligrapher (hand writing expert) gives the verses an artistic shape. Then graphic designer gives the final touch again before the printing process starts. So, ma'am, without my consultation and approval the whole process seize to roll and don't you thinks I am in that condition where I can give just a couple of hrs today?...well! I should have asked for your permission earlier.."

"But don't you give your creative director and his team a free hand?" I was still not interested in him. "After all you are only concerned with the financial aspect and the business part that kills the spirit"

"Ma'am these cards- if I can't sell them in the market, how will I give their salaries? And not all people go by the sheer word power, external decoration plays the important part.". He was right, after all a seasoned businessman.

"Have you selected any out of these?"

"Yes I have..18 till yet.but I need 150 designs..these ppl are very slow without me at office." He was visibly upset again.

"Well.Mr Uppal.how much time usually your copy writer takes to write verses for .say.these 18 cards?"

"Roughly a week for the whole lot..they take the maximum time in this whole process.actually they can't do it within the confinement of the office cabin..creativity..mood.etc.etc."

"Well.then why not give me these cards for overnight?. I mean I'll try my hand on couple of them..and if your copy writer approves them later you can print them as well."

"Have you done it before?"

"No.."I smiled sheepishly. "But I make my own cards. Don't worry I am not asking for any compensation in return, just that I would love to see myself in print". I chuckled.

And I didn't sleep the rest of the night. Thankfully it was not a busy night and my staff managed without bothering me. I knocked Room no 15 at 8 am sharp.

"How are you Mr Uppal.."

"Oh I am fine thank you...you look so fresh...so.are you taking off today to finish with those cards...I mean I need them at the earliest". I smiled as I tried to feel his pulse.

" I am thru.with all 18 ..see here they are.let your copy writer have a look on them"

"I don't believe", mr Uppal almost snatched it from my grip. "You're really very fast. I hope they are fine. I'll let you know soon".

And that 'soon' drifted into several days. He was discharged a day after the thing and his follow up visits with the consultant were usually during the day hrs when I was off duty. I had almost forget the whole episode till I got a call from Mr Uppal.

"Doctor! I am Uppal this side.congratulations!....our copy writer has approved all your verses. Sorry to bother you but you have to take a little time out of your busy schedule to sit with our graphic designer for the final touch before they go to the print. Hope you can manage a couple of hours this afternoon. I can send my driver if you wish. Is it okay?"

And that was a dream come true. I was often pressurized by my near ones to send my ideas to some companies like Archies. But I always considered myself below par.good for nothing. Making Hand made cards as a hobby once in a while and going for them in a big way are two different things and I always had a time constraint to give it a serious thought. I thanked Sister Suman straightaway to who dragged me into the whole thing. She was a big fan for this "Jack of all trades" quality of mine.

I was in their studio with the graphic designer Varun that afternoon much before our scheduled meeting. He took me by surprise with his creativity skills and I was thoroughly impressed with whosoever invented 'Coral Draw' and 'Foto shop'. I was more impressed when I came to that Varun was actually the neighborhood tea vender five years ago, with no remarkable educational background and had picked up the skills during his stint with the previous professional designer of the studio who, taught him the fine aspects of designing during his free hours. Varun was highly gratified with Mr Uppal who gave him the opportunity to take over when his 'Guru" quit for a break overseas.

"My Guruji and Mr Uppal is everything for me". He was visibly obliged to them. "A big drawback with me is my handicap with English. Here every thing is English based but people are very supportive. After making the final design I mail it to them for corrections which they cheerfully do. Which company do you work with?"

"Me?...I am no pro copy writer. I am just a doctor and this is my first brush with all these". I enjoyed the moment when he gaped in disbelief. "Just a hobby thing for me. Shall we start?"

'A little time out of your busy schedule', that Mr Uppal has requested me for, actually ran up to several hours by the time we were through with all 18 cards. I made Vaarun sweat in his shirt with my peculiar demands. And I was thoroughly satisfied when I saw their final shape on desk top. "My Brain child", I thought. I could feel the adrenalin rush inside me and a tint of eagerness to see the prints as soon as possible, a la impatient first time pregnant lady.

"Please don't embarrass me. I didn't do all this for money", I pleaded Mr Uppal later when we were enjoying a steaming mug of coffee in his cabin and he pushed a thin envelope with some currency notes peeping from the slit. "Rather I am thankful that you gave this platform. I can't charge you for that. Yeah later if I decide to go pro I'll definitely accept. But not now"

"But we are professionals. Moreover I am going to make money out of these and I had to pay the copywriter anyway. So I am not doing any favors as such"

"See Mr Uppal, let me decide the way I think. Please don't push me hard. Rather do one thing, when the prints are out, for me keep 1 packet each of all 18 cards that I have made. That's all. I don't want anything extra. Please.".

Mr Uppal kept his promise after a month and sent me a huge carton containing 18 packets of cards my brain child. I opened each packet with trembling fingers and wet eyes and like a enthusiastic overjoyed child broke the news to my near and dear ones and soon I was overloaded with demands to send samples. And then something caught my eyes-

The best card among the lot had a blunder on the opening page itself. Courtesy Varun and his handicap with English. The inner page, also known as the 'tongue' of a card had the following verse written by me:-

I SHARE WITH YOU
MY DREAMS
MY SUCCESS
MY JOYS....

I BRING TO YOU
MY LAUGHTER
MY WINS
MY CELEBRATIONS...

I SEARCH IN YOU
STRENGTH TO OVERCOME
MY INNER CONFLICTS, AND
MY PAINS...

I'VE GIFTED YOU
MY HEART,
MY LIFE
MY LOVE...

BECAUSE I KNOW YOU CARE
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY....

The caption that I put on the front page to match the above verse, was in fact a line from a famous album of Bryan Adams- EVERYTHING I DO, I DO IT FOR YOU. The opening line and the verse on the 'tongue page' were perfectly matching. But by mistake Varun typed on the front page :-

EVERYTIME I DO,
I DO IT FOR YOU..

And that particular card, incidentally, sold a whooping more than 50,000 pieces all over India!!!!!!......

(N. B. - I hereby express my heartfelt gratitude to Gifty Boy of Iland-Giftson SJ, who taught me how to upload images right in the middle of the text page. Images are too small, I know, but then this is my first attemp...Thank you Gifty Boy)

Last few months

I missed missing you

And I forgot the pleasure

I used to get

Of missing and longing for you-

For you are with me

All the times these days!!!...

U are present so intimately

Woven around me so tightly

Just like a worm in its cocoon

That I could never get a chance

To miss you - again-like before.

The pain of separation

Is always blessed with

Hope of getting together again

Months of togetherness can't compensate

Separation of even a fraction of second

It seems to me

For ages I haven't seen you

I miss you now.

I miss your touch..your cuddle

Your hug..your whispers..

So many thoughts

Accumulated inside me

Please come soon

So many hungry anxious desires

Eager to pour themselves out

But are confided by

A thick wall of helplessness.

I have actually started hallucinating

Seeing and feeling you very near

As if you are never away

Still hiding somewhere very near

And will reappear just now

With a cup of tea in hand

Requesting me to eat something

Expressing your concern, saying-

'How tired my beloved is!'

I want to hear those words again.

Don't know how I will manage

To pass my whole life- without you.

Now it seems

So very difficult and impossible

How I pass those long years away from you

How can I console

My helpless poor soul now?

What should I say to myself??

Things are much tougher now

U've taken away a part

Of myself my soul in fact

Only this lifeless body is left behind

And crying to join you.

Promise me.

U'd never do this to me

..again

.so cruelly

.in next births to come.

Yeah.

This is how dreams take shape..

It's not always

That chasing stars are only dreams

It's not always

That happiness is where money is

It's not always

That you are blessed only if you are rich

It's not always

That love means 'staying together forever'.

You can shape your dreams

Sometimes just by drooping over it

You can find happiness

Just by stitching beads on your Love's attire

You can grow blessings

Only by showering blessings on others

You can share togetherness

Sometimes just by calling each other..

I'm not a cripple

If I don't eat with my own hands

I love, in fact, to drool and spill

When you feed me.

I'm not lazy

If I don't carry my own cup of tea

I love, in fact, to see you

Carrying the cup of tea for me.

I am not careless

If I don't buy a pair of woolen socks for myself

I love, in fact, to get warmed up

Just by keeping you warm and warmer.

I'm not a person who has changed

If I don't spend much time with you, as before

I love, in fact, to rush to you

After spending few hours away from you.

yeah!!!...

This is another way how dreams take shape.

I am happy within my own little world

Where we worry for small things.

.an empty gas cylinder

.a dirty bed sheet

.an ever absent maid

.a careless brother

.some troublesome friends

.a leaking pipeline

.a missing key

.a haunted home

. a chick-hearted mouse

.a wet towel on bed

Dreams are not what we see when we sleep,

Dreams are those which don't let us sleep

(WARNING AND DISCLAIMER: The readers are advised to apply their common sense after reading this article and behave responsibly. However, I am not responsible if someone picks a tip from the article and uses it with criminal intentions. Care has been taken to keep some portions and the names of the drugs ambiguous, to prevent such things as far as possible. Remember- these drugs in overdose and when mixed with different drinks often invite FATAL results)

Picture it. You wake up. You're naked. You have a pounding headache, aching muscles, and you can't remember anything from last night. One minute you and some friends are getting a ride to a party, the next you're waking up here, on a stranger's bed in a room you've never even seen before.

You search around in the dark for a minute or so, and piece-by-piece you find the clothes you were wearing last night. You quickly pull on your underwear and jeans, and are about to throw on your top when you notice something's wrong. There's a long tear stretching down from the neckline of your shirt. For a minute, you just sit there in confusion - what the heck happened last night?

Then, a spark fires in your brain. You remember something from the night before that makes your skin crawl, and in a single instant, your life is changed forever. You're not sure, but you think you've been raped.

This is drug-facilitated sexual assault, and no one's really sure how often it happens.

Often known as "drug rape" or "date rape", drug-facilitated sexual assault is when someone uses the fact that you've taken or been given alcohol or drugs to sexually assault you.

This sexual assault can be anything from unwanted kissing or touching to full-blown rape. Obviously, rape is worse than an unwanted kiss or touch, but all sexual assaults are serious crimes.

Someone could also slip a "date-rape" drug into your drink that will make you completely out of it and an easy target. These drugs can also make you pass out or erase parts of your memory, so you might wake up the next day and never know what's happened to you.

Other times, someone may take advantage of a person who's had too much to drink or took drugs willingly - a girl who is passed out at a party, for example.

The Hard Facts

Drug-facilitated sexual assault is a terrible crime
Sex is an intimate act; sexual assault is not. It's about power, fear and control. A victim could be beaten, injured or even killed during a sexual assault, and if they drink alcohol spiked with a "date-rape" drug, they could overdose and possibly die. Even when physical violence or drugging isn't involved, sexual assault can emotionally scar you, and you may not feel safe again for a long time.

Sexual assault victims are never responsible
It's sad, but a lot of sexual assault victims blame themselves for what happened. They feel ashamed or think they were "asking for it" by drinking too much or dressing and acting a certain way. The truth is, the way you dress or act is never "asking" for anything, and the only way to "ask for sex" is by actually asking for sex.

The most common "date-rape" drug is not Rohypnol® - it's alcohol
When most people think of drug-facilitated sexual assault, they tend to think of "date-rape" drugs like Rohypnol® (roofies) being slipped into a girl's drink when she's not looking. This does happen, but for now at least, it's probably pretty rare in India. It's a good idea to remember that, more often, victims of sexual assault are just drinking alcohol, and are sexually assaulted after they pass out or are too drunk to resist.

Drug -facilitated sexual assault may happen a lot more often than we think
Most sexual assaults are never reported to police , never solved or never proven. There are a lot of reasons why people don't report the crime to police. A lot of the drugs used in drug-facilitated sexual assault, including alcohol, can erase or blur parts of your memory, and you may never know for sure if you were assaulted. Some may also be afraid that the police won't believe them, or feel that it was partly their fault. Still others may just want to put the whole thing behind them.

Most drug-facilitated sexual assaults are committed by a person the victim knows or trusts - not by strangers
Many of these crimes are not planned in advance. For example, a guy may take advantage of a girl at a party who is drunk or on drugs because he sees her as an "easy target". For this reason, it's pretty common for a person to know the one who assaulted them. A lot of times, sexual assault is committed by a friend or someone you know, by a date or a boyfriend/girlfriend, and sometimes even by a spouse or family member. About 75% of all rapes are committed by a date or acquaintance.

Women are almost always the victims of drug-facilitated sexual assault, and female teenagers and young women are at the most risk
Anyone can be a victim of sexual assault. It doesn't matter whether you're a guy or a girl, or what your sexual orientation is. However, the vast majority of victims are women, and women between the ages of 16 and 24 are about four times more likely to be sexually assaulted than women in other age groups.

Other stats and facts about drug-facilitated sexual assault:

• About 25% of women report that drugs were a factor in a rape Most of these crimes either go unrecognized, unreported, unsolved, or unproven


• Some of the drugs used to facilitate sexual assault or rape can be fatal when mixed with alcohol


• "Date-rape" drugs are also commonly used recreationally, putting the user at risk of sexual assault


• Adolescent females (16-19 years) and young adult women (20-24 years) are 4 times more likely to be sexually assaulted than women in other age groups


• Most sexual assaults are committed by an acquaintance or date


• It is estimated that approximately 75% of all rapes are date or acquaintance rapes


• The most frequently detected drug in victims of drug-facilitated sexual assault is alcohol. The second most common is marijuana

Drugs and Sexual Assault

There are lots of drugs that people use to make a person an easy target for sexual assault. These drugs may produce different effects, but most of them share a few things in common:

They make a victim really "out of it":
These drugs will make you pretty helpless. You might get drowsy and weak, all of your muscles may relax, and you may even pass out completely. You may just be too "out of it" to stop someone from sexually assaulting you. One of these drugs, Ketamine, can even put you in a strong "trance-like" state, in which you'll stay awake, but you'll be almost completely unaware of the people and things going on around you.

They cause memory loss:
Most of these drugs, including alcohol, can wipe out several hours of your memory and make it very difficult for you to remember if you were assaulted. Even if you do remember having sex with someone, your memory may be too fuzzy to remember if you said "yes" or "no", so you may be unsure if you should report it. (Remember, the law says that in some cases you can be "too intoxicated" to consent to sex.)

They are difficult to test for:
Many of the "date-rape" drugs will pass through your body very quickly, and are very difficult to test for. So it's really important to report a sexual assault as soon as possible - the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be to find proof of the drugging.

They produce effects similar to alcohol's effects:
If you're slipped one of these "date-rape" drugs, you may just look and act "really drunk". Some of the drugs also may just make you feel really, really drunk. So if you're drinking with friends, they may not realize that anything's wrong with you - in fact, you may not even realize that anything's wrong with you. Some of these drugs also have after-effects that feel just like a hangover (including memory loss), so when you wake up the next day you may not recognize that you were drugged at all.

The Drugs

• Alcohol
  Most drug-facilitated sexual assaults involve alcohol. An offender may take advantage of a woman who has had too much to drink and is too drunk to resist or consent, or after she has passed out completely. Also, alcohol can add to the effects of other drugs, making a person even more vulnerable. Legally, a woman can be "too drunk" to give her consent, and it doesn't matter if the man who sexually assaults her is also drunk.


• ********
  ********, commonly known as "Roofies", is the brand name of a drug called flunitrazepam. Though it is illegal in India, Canada and the U.S., and other parts of the world, it is still prescribed in Mexico to people with sleeping disorders. It is very powerful, and will make a victim very drowsy. If dissolved in a drink, ********* is odourless and tasteless but may colour the liquid blue or murky because of a special new dye. The effects last about 8 hours and will make you feel like you are very drunk and very tired. It can also blur a victim's memory for hours after it is taken. When mixed with alcohol, ********* can cause death.


• GHB
  GHB (also called "G" or "Liquid X") is usually a colourless liquid - it looks just like water - and can easily be poured into a drink. It will cause a spiked drink to have a slightly soapy or bitter taste. It is very dangerous; it can cause unconsciousness, seizures and even death. Overdoses are very common, particularly when it is mixed with alcohol. The effect of GHB is very similar to the effect of a lot of alcohol, and like Rohypnol®, GHB can blur a victim's memory for several hours.


• Ketamine
  Ketamine (also called "K" or "Special K") is still used legally by veterinarians and Anesthetics when performing surgery on animals and Human biengs. It is a very powerful anaesthetic, which means it will dull pain and make a person feel "numb" or pass out. It can also cause a "trance-like" state - sometimes called a "k-hole" - in which a victim may have no idea what is going on around them. Ketamine will cause victims to lose sense of time, and it may also blur their memory. Unlike GHB and ********, someone slipped Ketamine will probably not be mistaken for someone who is just "really drunk". Ketamine also tastes really bad, and is easier to notice when mixed in a drink. Ketamine can cause hallucinations, a deep hypnotic state and "out of body"-like experiences.


• Cannabis - Marijuana, Hash, Hash oil
  The effects of marijuana and hash are very different from the above drugs, but Cannabis is still the second most common drug found in drug-facilitated sexual assault victims. This is most likely because marijuana and hash are used much more often than other "date-rape" drugs. Still, it highlights an important point: people are at a higher risk of being sexually assaulted whenever they are intoxicated. Smoking marijuana or hash will also add to the effect of alcohol, making a person an easier target for sexual assault.


• The Rest
  Drugs make people act in ways that they normally wouldn't, and many drugs can facilitate a sexual assault even if they don't have "date-rape" effects like memory loss. On almost any drug, you're more likely to wind up in an uncomfortable situation, signals are more likely to get crossed, and you may not pick up on the warning signs of a rape or sexually assault. Or you may just have consensual, regrettable sex with someone you otherwise wouldn't. Some drugs may also make people more likely to commit sexual assault too (among other crimes). The "rave" drug Crystal Meth (speed) has been associated with a lot of high-risk sexual activity, and other drugs like PCP are very unpredictable, and have been known to make people go completely berserk.

Safety Tips

No matter what, sexual assault is never a victim's fault. And it's not a person's responsibility to "prevent" themselves from being assaulted. The only person responsible for a sexual assault is the person who commits it. But the following tips can help you have a safe and fun time when at a party, bar or just hanging out with friends.

If you're drinking alcohol, keep an eye on yourself and your friends. If you're worried about getting into an uncomfortable situation with someone, tell your friends how you feel and ask them to watch out for you. And if at any time you feel so drunk that you might pass out, consider where you are and the people you're with. It might be a good idea to get a ride home with a trusted and sober friend or call a taxi. If that's not an option and you have to sleep around others (such as at someone's house after a party, a hotel room, etc.), ask people you trust to keep an eye on you if you pass out.

Watch for signs that your drink has been spiked - it tastes or looks weird; or you're feeling really giddy, drowsy or just "way too drunk". Remember, these drugs take effect very quickly and you should get help immediately. If you are not planning on drinking alcohol, remember that a soda or any other non-alcoholic drink can also be spiked.

Some drug-facilitated sexual assaults might start out harmlessly enough as flirting. If you are interested in someone, you may want to think about how far you'd like to go with them beforehand, and make it clear when you've gone farther than you'd like to. Flirting with someone is not an invitation for sex, nor do you "owe" them something if you do. Remember, you always have the right to change your mind about how you feel about someone.

Other safety tips:

• Limit how much alcohol you drink and remember that not everyone has the same tolerance threshold.


• Be wary of opened beverages offered by strangers or acquaintances, and open bottles yourself or observe the bartender doing so.


• Avoid drinking from punch bowls you don't know what's been added.


• If your opened beverage looks, smells or tastes strange don't drink it.


• Watch your drink if you leave it unattended to go dancing or to the washroom, consider buying a new one.


• If you feel giddy or light headed, really drowsy or "too drunk", get assistance from a friend. If a stranger offers to help escort you from the bar, club or party, they may want to take advantage of you.


• If you arrived with friends, check on each other before you split up later.


• If you think you or one of your friends has been drugged, get help.


• Use a buddy system: you keep an eye out on your friends and they keep an eye out on you.


• Have a designated driver who can leave a party or bar with you at any time.

If It Happens to You

The first step in dealing with drug-facilitated sexual assault is simply recognizing that it's happened.

If you wake up with no memory or a blurred memory, there are a few signs that might help you tell if you've been assaulted.

• You were not drinking alcohol or using drugs


• Your muscles are sore


• You have bruises or other signs of sexual assault


• You have been undressed, or your clothes are ripped, missing or stained

If you're sure or seriously suspect that you have been drugged and sexually assaulted, you should see a doctor right away:

• You may want to see a doctor or pharmacist for emergency contraception (the "morning-after" Pill) to prevent pregnancy.


• You may want to get tested for Sexually Transmitted Infections or pregnancy. There are also ways for a doctor to reduce the risk of getting an STI if you have been raped.


• You may want to ask about speaking with a counselor of psychologist.

Doctors don't always have to report a sexual assault, but they will if you're young or they feel you're still in danger. Often, you won't have to press charges if you don't want to.

You may want to report the assault to police. This is a tough and personal decision that you have to make on your own. But if you are going to report the assault, it is best to do it soon, while there is still evidence. If you believe that you've been drugged, blood and urine samples can be taken to test for these drugs in your system, but the sooner these tests are done the better.

The police will have to be involved to have this testing performed, but often the decision to press charges will remain in your hands. Often you can make this decision later, so if you are at all considering pressing charges it's important to have samples collected as soon as possible.

You should call the police who will arrange for you to see a doctor right away . The doctor can then provide a medico-legal exam which involves collecting samples that may show proof of sexual assault. To help preserve evidence you should:

• If you think you were drugged, try not to urinate


• Do not douche or shower


• Do not wash the clothes you were wearing during the assault


• Do not disturb physical evidence


• If you think you were drugged and still have a cup or bottle that you were drinking from, bring it with you to the police to be tested for drugs

If you report, the police will understand that sometimes it's not in your best interest to press charges. They know what you've gone through and may not want to make you a further victim by forcing an investigation and trial.

Usually, unless you are under 16 or are still in danger, you won't have to press charges if you don't want to. Even if you do decide to press charges, you will often be able to drop the charges even after an investigation has begun. If you don't want to press charges, police may also offer to just warn the person who committed the sexual assault to try to stop them from doing it again in the future.

If you were drugged (or suspect that you were drugged) at a bar, restaurant or other public place, you may also be able to anonymously report it to police, so that they can investigate the location.

...And then I suddenly thought my life has began taking a new
turn.the way I wanted it to be.

..but man proposes God disposes.

One fine day, on the last day of July, I got a letter of
intimation- from state govt of Orissa- to appear for an interview for the post
of medical officer. The news brought a 'list of dreams come true' for me in
many ways. The job was no way lucrative in terms of salary (less than 1/4^th
of my current income) - I already had a rather well off life here in Delhi,
settled and happy yet the opportunity to work among people of my native place,
to remain along my parents' side and to keep watch on my dream project of a
small hospital of my own in my native land which has a acute shortage of
doctors was much more than I could ask for.

Friends and well wishers listed me few hiccups too..what
about good education of your next generation?...what about growth of your
professional life??...have u gone mad..people long to relocate themselves in
metro cities and u are choosing to go back???...think again.charity is not
everything in life..you can always indulge yourself in many good ways by
remaining here in Delhi..no need to go back..don't waste your caliber.u won't
get the kind of exposure that u are getting here.and the money..blah.blah.blah..

but I was difficult to nudge .and I made up my mind.packed a
few things fast.took leave for a couple of weeks.bid goodbye to friends,
acquaintances and persons close to my heart on iland and left for my hometown.

As expected I got selected, the joining letter was due to
come within a week and I waited patiently. Many a times I wanted to rush back
to iland to break the good news but somehow held myself back because of 2
reasons..the physical distance between my residence and the nearest cyber café
was more than a 100 kms and 2ndly I wanted to get the confirmation letter in my
hand first..

And that proved to be a wise decision.and saved me
humiliations of a premature celebration ending up in aborted jubilation..the
joining letter is yet to come..the week transformed into a fortnight and
gradually into months with no signs of any 'good news' and I started loosing
patience.my life was a complete stand still and one can imagine the level of
frustration that creeps in when suddenly you have nothing to do at a age when u
are most productive.the days became endless.and the nights eternity.

.on much digging I discovered the cause of delay..some of
the candidates who failed to get selected had put a case in the high court citing
a flimsy ground as 'faulty selection procedure'.and the hon'ble court
instantaneously put 'stay' on every proceeding.a step which is being adopted
rampantly these days by lot of unscrupulous elements when things don't go their
way.and they succeed in putting 'stay' on progress of the nation itself.what a
easy thing to do!!!....with minimum of expenditure and effort, without blood
shedding and all within judicial regulations.

..and had to pack my baggage and my dreams.and come back and
reform my life back into the track.but I can clearly see what's written on my
back..

"...GOOD FOR NOTHING."

I don't want to close my eyes
As I only see
Your face in darkness
And the very thought
That you are not with me now
Is sending a wave of pain
And fire down my spine

Your eyes closed tightly
Your senses all alert
Your heart pounding hard and loud
You were afraid of
Slightest of noise
And the casting shadows from outside
Even the sound of creatures
Around us was disturbing
My hoarse voice
And unrhythmic breathing
Were even more restless.
The cold metallic feels of
Your rings
Your anklet
Your ear-rings
Your necklace-
Were hotter than fire
The ticklish voice of your
And touch of your fingernails
Are still sending waves of excitement.
The memory of
The warmth of your body-
Trespassing thru the layers of fabric
Is still making me shiver.

The raising hair follicles
Under your neck
The emotion of
Your tightly closed fists
Over my shoulder and the meaning of
Hot and deep breath
Around my ears and cheek.

I can't ever forget
The beads of perspiration
On your forehead
Your attention towards my queries
Raising body temperatures
The heaving breasts
Dry lips and throat
Hair entering my mouth
Clatter of teeth
Taste of saliva
Movement of
Hesitant hands and fingers-
Exploring - discovering
Deep geography of your body
Actions and imaginations
Going parallel
Certain boundaries broken-
New closeness created.

I still remember
The way
You used to
Lift up your face
Hidden under mine
To check whether
My eyes are closed or not
I was not ready to sleep
How could I?
When you were besides me
.so close
.so near
That your breath caressed my face
All the times
Your hair scattered over my chest
Feet entangled
Hand in hand
And especially when
We choose this night
To talk-not to sleep

Of my watch
Showing that
The time is passing away
Hour by hour
Slowly.slowly
Out of our grip
"The dawn is only moments away"
"Birds started chirping"
"Hey! Hear.people are walking outside"
But darkness was still there
Within the room and myself.

I don't want to get up
For all these might be a dream
Which may shatter.
I am not ready
To loose all these so soon

The last night that passed

Is the most valuable asset for me.

I wish I could freeze it forever.

(this part is the sequel to Good for nothing -12)

Kolkata-The city of joy- gifted a morning of joy to me as Pawwa's phone call woke me up first thing in the morning and I could guess well before picking up the phone what he wanted to say. But there was much more than I expected.

"Get ready. We will do some sight seeing, an afternoon trip on River Ganges on a boat, and then metro ride, some window shopping at Dharamtalla and by 4 pm we have to reach Shona Gachchi . 4-6pm should be the right time keeping in mind that sun sets by half past six and I want to get the hell out of there well before that".

"Whatever you say boss. Any special preparation for this special trip boss?" I criticized him.

"Nothing as such. Just don't carry anything in your hand today - not even your purse. I'll carry the cash. And no extra heavy make up please", he sounded serious.

"I never put any makeup, for your kind information", I snapped. "And I know very well where you are going to stash all your currencies.I am not gonna touch a single penny today"

"That's better then. Get ready lazy bone! I'll be there within 15 mins. flat"

"Fine" I made a face and put the phone. "These boys! ... Never allow them to dominate you or else they start consider themselves as your legal guardian", I thought as I took bath and dressed up for the day.

"What is this?" Pawwa looked clearly upset at me the moment I stepped out of the Ladies Hostel.

"What is what?"

"This dress.looks so cheap. Can't you wear something decent? Don't you know where we are going?"

"Tell me what's wrong with this one?" I got irritated.

"Nothing..every thing is fine.Sleeveless transparent top with low waist Capri and halter neck Bra peeping thru all the sides..nonsense.Do you think you are on for a stroll on some beach in Bombay?...Go and change into something more decent and simple.understand"

I started boiling inside..humiliations.nobody had ever dare to do so.pointing at my style of dressing.but I preferred to swallow the disgrace and returned for a change.eyes red with rage and foot thumping hard on the concrete flooring.so much so just for the reason that I want him to be at my side for that Shona Gachchi trip..

"That's better.much better.". I allowed him to grip my hand as he waved to a passing cab. "Indian traditional dresses carry a sense of respect embroidered into it.people tend to do all kinds of x-ray scan with those lewd penetrating look especially when someone is attired with that kind of revealing outfit..I hope you don't mind me being so blunt..I feel like extricate the eyeballs out of their sockets of those who stare at you

"Why?", I stared him eye to eye.

"Actually it hurts a lot when someone looks at you in such way."

"Why?", I repeated innocently.

"I don't know why.Now listen carefully. We can't say the cab driver to drop us at Shona Gachchi.I mean it's so awkward .so I have drafted a plan. After all sightseeing we'll go to College Street again and catch the bus to Salt Lake as we did yesterday. As we pass thru Shona Gachchi, we'll simply get down. Isn't it a great idea?"

"Ya.greatest idea of all times..do whatever you want", I had approve his ideas, beggars are not choosers!...and we did likewise.

It was half past four when we got down there. The scene was almost like the previous day, except that the crowd was heavier.

"Holiday..today is Sunday" Pawwa explained. "Now listen very carefully", he was back into his guardian's coat. "We will stick to one main corridor. Don't try to enter into side lanes, they might be dangerous. I don't know how long it would be but we will try to get out of here in an hour. Behave as if you are looking for an address. I have already scrolled this one on a piece of paper and obviously it is wrong. But we should look like tourists who have lost their way. Understand? And I don't want to see none of your usual tantrums and heroics."

"Ok. sir!" I was the most obedient child on the universe that day.

And with a pounding heart which was quite audible outside, we left the main road and entered into the broadest street with the piece of paper in our hand as if we were looking for an address. The jamboree of girls was thicker than the main road and they were attired in different outfit - some in Indian and others in western- but all with vibrating, loud and harsh color combination. The make up was basic but too thick. All the herds were usually accompanied by a male appeared to be their leader (the pimp-Pawwa later clarified). Trucks of beer cartons were being unloaded, small flower kiosks were surrounded by anxious buyers of GAZRA, a few giggling girls were running after a crazy looking boy (or a eunuch!) probably for their share of money, two policemen loitering around proudly, small tea and food stalls were mostly deserted, the stink of clogged drain and overflowing manholes at places were enough to initiate puking, everyone seem busy yet very casually roaming here and there. The first floor balconies were filled with similar looking girls- their torsos rested on the handrail and contour of their assets perfectly demonstrated to attract the onlookers-live human mannequins! They were even gesturing and winking at those who looked them eye to eye. I could guess from their look they were from all the parts of India but mainly the North Eastern dominated others by sheer number and fair color.

"Ki Dada boshbe na ki?...(brother .won't you have a seat)" a grunting voice disturbed my concentration and turned sharply. A man was adressing Pawwa who was trying unsuccessfully to jostle himself off.

"Ki holo dada.bhalo maal achhe.(what happened bro...I have excellent stuff", the man was displaying something like a diary in his hand.

"Address...address...ami address.jigesh karchhi (I am asking for correct address)", Pawwa replied in a broken Bengoli which made me laugh too.

"Let's have a seat", I intervened. "I am too tired"

"NOOOO.." He almost shouted at me, caught my hand roughly and pulled me to a side "You dumbo!...why don't you understand..he was asking whether I am interested for a quickie..and you said yes..bewakoof."

"oh.sorry.". But he was visibly upset with me. "And what was there in his hand?"

"That was an album..photos of call-girls of his group.NOW WILL YOU PLEASE SHUP YOURSELF UP"

"Let's have a cup of coffee there", I pleaded pointing at a coffee outlet nearby. Almost two hrs without coffee was too much for me.

"Dada .coffee.special.du tow.chalu cholbe na ( two coffee..special .not ordinary)" Pawwa ordered.

"hein.special achhey na..debo..bosun bosun ( I'll serve you special one.please have a seat)" the coffeewala answered.

"Na.na.ami boshbo na (no thanks.I won't sit)"...Pawwa was afraid of 'sitting' at the coffee counter too!

And there I saw Pawwa smoking for the first time. "I never know you smoked.doesn't suits your face after all" I said casually. "Can I have one puff too?"

"Why not Miss Bond. In a place like this, it will surely suit your cause"

"Why are you so rough today..can't you speak soft.it was just a joke.". He killed my mood and I lost my interest. The half an hour that we spent in that coffee shop was almost silent-both of us preoccupied in our thought. I marked a small kid of about 6 years old stood besides us for quite some time just doing nothing. Probably a beggar, I thought. I tried to give him a dry Rusk which he refused and pointed at the jars kept on the wooden counter of the coffeewala. I put my hand in one of the glass jars and shelled out few candies and passed on to the kid. He gave me broadest of his smiles and disappeared. After few minutes he reappeared with a smaller kid on his tow, his younger brother probably and directly came to me and tugged my chunni softly.

"Is he your brother?", I asked as I passed few candies to both of them.

"No he is my friend Kalu. See he has a big black mole on his back" and he turned the back of kalu towards me to show his black mole. Really it was big.

"How many friends do you have? Call all of them. I'll give candies to all of you."

"Really? I'll just go and call them". He sprinted as fast as he could and within no time came back with almost ten kids running behind him. I distributed candies among them and soon they become friendly with me.

"Do you go to school, kids? Tell me your names and which class do you read one by one- first sit in a round circle here"

"I am Khokon" one of them replied. "And I use to go to school earlier. Now I am in a large school where I don't go"

"Why? You should go to school. What do you do all the day?"

"When I was in small school, our school teacher used to give us food everyday". I could guess he was talking about mid-day meals provided in government primary schools. "But now they are not giving me anymore. They tell I have grown up and I have to go to bigger school. I don't go there. I love playing football with my friend. I play in forward position. Kalu is our goalkeeper. I scored three goals today. And I also work."

"What do you do?" I was thoroughly enjoying the conversation with kids. More so as I was distracted away from the irritating behavior of Pawwa.

"I sell these. Do you want any? Five Rupees each." I looked at him anxiously as he put his hand inside his pocket and came out with few sachets of condom. "For you four rupees only. You are a good friend"

"Do you know what this is?", I enquired.

"Yes I know." Khokon said proudly, rest of them shook their head. "It is white colored big balloon with a long nose. Big men play with them."

"I also know. It is sooooo.biiiiggggg" I curly haired dark girl of about five years old stood up spreading both her arms as wide as she could. "You can put buckets of water in it and even then it does not break. I also have one" and quickly she brought out a used condom from the pocket of her frock and offered me. "Take it didi.this is free for you"

"No thanks..I don't want..this is dirty thing ..throw it"

"No..this is good.look how big it becomes", and before I could object she started inflating it like a balloon. And suddenly rest of the kids started shouting and clapping in unison. "We also know it...we also know." and within no time all of them brought out condoms from their pockets and started inflating them. Probably they could not recognize it earlier in the hand of Khokon as it was packed in a sachet.

"Hey..hey .what you all are doing here." the deafening voice of the stall owner interrupted. For the last 20 min or so he had left the stall to distribute tea to nearby shopkeepers. He lunged at the small gathering, visibly upset, with the kettle in his hand. The kids disappeared in no time.

"Sorry Didi.ae chhele gulo khub bodmash (the kids are too naughty)"

"Don't you advice them to go to school"

"Who will tell them..almost